The Truth About Me

So I've been doing a LOT of thinking lately. And there is a LOT to express right now. So much so, I'm not even sure where to start. But since this is a blog about me, I'll start there.

I recently broke up with the man I met this summer. It was horrible. I was cold, solid, unyielding. I said I'd listen. But I didn't. I told him I didn't love him and slammed the door in his face. As soon as I did, I fell on my face crying on my stairs. I don't know why I did it, but I shut him out. I closed my heart, and I walked away, not caring what would happen to him, how it would impact him or make him feel. Not caring that I could be making the biggest mistake of my life. I was, after all, dumping the only man that has ever truly loved me.

But he didn't leave. He stayed. He left me a present in my mailbox. He texted the  next day. He wasn't going to give up. And so we prayed. I felt the need to pray about what should happen. I needed to know that what we were doing and where we were going was where I wanted and needed to go according to God's plan. SO we both prayed for three days. Those were the most excruciating three days of my life. I felt really strongly that we shouldn't be "together" but that I didn't want him out of my life. That didn't make sense to me, and I was so confused, I just prayed that God would provide a clear answer, the same answer to both of us.

And he did. We agreed to date. How this is different than before is only internal, and probably confined to me. But it has allowed me to take a step back emotionally. To decide and determine what it is I really want, and to hopefully find that in him.

But what this has revealed, even more than the fact that this guy loves me unconditionally, is how incredibly selfish I am. I always wondered if I was more of the introverted variety than the extroverted. However, I think what has become glaringly clear is that I am not just introverted. Yes, I would rather spend the afternoon by myself in a coffee shop, tapping away at my laptop, or reading the same book I've already read three times. But I am selfish. I don't want to share my time with anyone. I don't want to answer to anyone. I don't want anyone to question my secret darknesses and inconsistencies. I don't want to have to be honest in the way that relationships require. And I don't want to have to love like I am loved. Because it's hard. And I'm not good at it. Even as a child, I could say these same things about myself. And I have not grown up in the slightest.

And maybe that's exactly why God has put this man in my life. To help me grow up. To share my darknesses and inconsistencies with. And to show me that it is possible to love through them.

I don't know for sure if this man is that one. But I know for sure that my heart is being changed. All of the ugly layers are beginning to peel away. And I mean UGLY. I have been meaner and more selfish since the break up as these things are revealed to me than I ever have been before. My only hope is that if I cling to Jesus he will not just peel them back, but reform the heart that is somewhere beneath. Because I know it's there somewhere. I can feel it beating.

Training

There is so much I could say about training. I love it so much right now. The days where I am unmotivated and struggle to go are fewer and farther between. I love how strong I feel, and have begun to appreciate how hard my body works for me, and can work for me.

I know I've said it before, but I'm not doing this specifically for weight loss. However, it has been so fun to see how my body is changing. I sleep better (although I'm still almost always tired) I can see muscle and definition where I previously didn't, my clothes are looser. I am so excited to see all of this hard work come together on race day. To know how hard I'm working EVERY DAY now, so that I can succeed on that one day.

I'm so excited!

Happiness

I really appreciated this article. I think it's conclusions are some I've been coming to myself lately.

Enjoy!

You Matter

I was going to save this post for later, seeing as how I just got back from a work out and need to seriously shower and start the rest of my day. But my boss sent me a link (yes, I checked my work email while I was on vacation...) and I wanted to share it.

The past few weeks have been a roller coaster in so many ways. I have decisions to make that seem more momentous than they might actually be, but will definitely affect the next year of my life. Sometimes in all of that, it's hard to remember that it's not always what but who that matters: you matter. And that makes a difference. It can turn a mediocre, or even horrible, experience into something advantageous and positive. I don't mean this in a "everything is about me way" but rather to remember that it's important to think of the bigger things.

Enjoy! I'll post an update on my 5K and training later.

You Matter

Tuesdays are great days

I went to sleep, when I finally went to sleep, with a smile on my face last night. The last few days have been very encouraging, in more than a few ways. Whether anything comes of any of it, I don't know. But I'm happy with it just the same. Vague, I know, but I like at least a little mystery.

I have decided to fully commit to moving to and teaching in Twin Falls. There are still opportunities that, if I wanted to, I could pursue, but I feel like this will be a good experience. It will be the first time I am completely on my own (I know I've said that before, but really, a town where I know no one, hours away from friends and family, that's pretty on your own.) My training is going really well, and honestly, I'm looking forward to longer and better work outs once I have nothing else to do with my time. :)

I still wish I could stay, kind of. But I know I'll be back, and that helps to soften the blow.

sight

I have so much on my heart and mind right now, and no words to express the anxiety, confusion, happiness and gook floating around in here.

I think I'm just starting to realize that how people view me is different than how I view myself. While this might sound obvious, it's only been made crystal clear to me in the last few days. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. I don't want to apologize, or even feel like I should apologize, for who I am. But at the same time, I wonder if I am being fair to myself. Am I limiting my life by allowing others to see what they see, and not what I see?

Gosh. Goodness. And Gracious.

I am in seventh heaven. Or something pretty close to it.

I love the feeling of having completed a goal. Especially one you weren't sure you could really do. I survived teaching and working, and have only a few more hoops to jump through before I receive my MA. MA...the first in my family. Sweet!

And now I can focus more time on my next personal goal-completing a sprint Triathlon. I'm so excited. I've been trying to train regularly, and it's starting to pay off. I can feel myself getting stronger, my body is changing shape (even if the numbers on the scale aren't changing position) and I'm finding a pace of life that I can handle. And like Darius Rucker says...This is my world. And I love it!

neighborhood maps

The sun is shining, the air is sweet with promise, and I'm sipping an iced coffee with soy, quite appropriately I think.

Yesterday, I began a writing activity with my remedial English class. I wasn't sure how they would respond to it, as it was originally designed for younger grades. However, I want them to be thinking, writing, and sharing with each other. We went through the first few steps together, and then I paused, waiting to finish the writing next week. I then shared the results of my own writing following this prompt last spring. Not only was I surprised at how well they participated in the initial steps, but they were respectful, and maybe more importantly, interested in my childhood memories. As I read, I looked to their faces for signs of something. And I was ovejoyed when I saw their eyes soften, their lips part slightly with breath, and their posture straighten.

The year is feeling drunk with hope.

morning thoughts in the sunshine

It's been a while since I felt whole...inside and out. But this morning I realized I'm becoming someone who I like.

I joined a gym over the Christmas break. I had been trying to train for triathlon, but seeing how I'm pretty much a wimp when presented with a challenge of most sorts, I hadn't been running regularly since the weather turned cold. Since I am pretty set on completing one in 2009, I needed to recommit to training for it. wha-la! Side benefit, it's super easy to go and do their circuit training thing, and the employees are super nice, not to mention a few of them them are also super cute!

Aside from feeling better about myself physically, I'm starting to realize that the mistakes I make aren't the end of myself. I had been so hard on myself for giving in to wants that I knew weren't the healthiest for me mentally (or physically really). I don't have to become someone different because of my choices, but instead they are who I am and who I am becoming. Eventually, they will make a whole person.

I think though, that the group of friends I have been committed to have proved they love me anyways, they have encouraged me weekly for the last few months, and I'm realizing that I'm letting them in. In small ways, but I'm getting there.

I think I'm going to like 2009.

cold and white

I have recently made some small decisions that are leaving me feeling much more contented. Whether or not those decisions justify the response or not is something I'm ignoring. For the time being.

This past week, I have been reminded that I do have people that love me, that they are there to listen to me bitch and whine, and that I don't have to feel bad for needing them in my life. Being needy (which I often am) is one thing, appreciating the fact that I don't have to do everything by myself, fix myself, or worry about the unfixable, is another.

So as I try to complete a literature review that is way over my head, staring out at the white of today, I feel...good.

"Something's Missing"

It's definitely a John Mayer day. I don't listen to a lot of him, I own one cd, and I'm not sure which. But his voice seems to match the overcast skies, and my downtrodden mood. I think it mostly makes me think of fall, and coffeeshops, and good friends, of to whom I am not such a great friend in return.

Fall makes me mournfully remember the past, and at the same time, urges me to think of the future. It's usually around this time of year that I make grand plans, and reconcile with myself the plans that I did not accomplish in the last year.

I'm also reminded that it's the simple thing in life that are what make it worth living. Leaves turning color, breezes that ruffle your hair, and walks among trees. I don't know why I can't embrace my inner simpleton. I feel like I'm constantly striving for more, rather than being grateful for what is present. I know part of it is purely coveting that which I don't have: the ability to discuss things of larger importance, politics, changes in society. I can't and don't want to talk about those things. Instead, I want to loudly discuss last weeks high school football game, who is getting married and having babies, and the best way to cook the abundance of squash my neighbor cheerfully donated for a church or neighborhood potluck. Those are things that aren't part of my life, that if I could be honest with myself, I want more than anything. I guess, to sum it up, fall makes me honest.

The best kept secret ever

Ok, So maybe it's not a secret. But I just learned something this morning. At approximately 630am, I learned that I love running! Who would have thunk it! Like most mornings, I had to drag myself out of bed, find something suitable to run in, and then actually leave my apartment. Once I did, I couldn't have imagined my morning any different.

Before the sun had come up, with the few street lights still glowing, I toured my little part of downtown. It was magical in some way. I have been running with my Mp3 player glued to my ears. But this week, I left it at home, and listened to my own thoughts, my heart beat, the sounds of a city slowly awakening. It was gorgeous. I can feel myself getting stronger, breathing easier. My knee hurts less, and my muscles work more. I love this piece of life.

Note to self (and just good advice in general): don't put your pants on backward.

the learning curve

The past 48 hours have been an emotional roller coaster (what hour of my life couldn't be described as that...?) Anyway, what came of it is the point.

I have learned a great deal about myself. Mostly, that I think too much of myself. I don't know where this ostentatious pride has come from, but I'm beginning to realize, I don't like it. (As I read that back, I don't like that. That I'm only now, at such an age, realizing this.) I don't know know if I'm the worst person out there, but I have far too long put myself before others. And this from someone who truly wants to serve others, who has spent a great deal of life doing so, and now who seems so unattached to that desire.

I'm starting to think that those graphs showing learning curves, the ones especially related to life lessons, look more like a jagged line, with no curve, no softness, but rather deep impressions in the in between, marking the actual lesson. Deep, because they must impress something upon us, touching somewhere very below the surface, and because at least I find that I am usually distracted by my last revelation on the way to the next.

Story time

I have recently become fascinated with NPR. I don't know what possessed me to switch it on, one evening while I was working on my now-finished-oddly-colored crochet wrap/sweater thing. Perhaps it was a longing to be only slightly more involved in my world, or more likely, it was a need to have other voices in the same space as mine.

Either way, I have fallen in love, or rather utter fascination, with the programs. I especially love "The Story," a program where normal everyday people tell their interesting stories that have been their life. Some are sad, like the woman from Iraq who is living in Sweden working to reunite with her son. Some infuriate me, like the teacher put on indefinite administrative leave for teaching the book "The Freedom Writers Diary." And some are akin to the stories told in coffeeshops, churches, parks and workplaces across the country.

It makes me think about my own story. Do I have one? If I do, how would I tell it? And would anyone listen?

I call myself a horrible storyteller. My own stories generally have no point but simply to relate a moment in time, or a feeling, neither of which is done justice by my limited proficiency in the language of stories.

This post started out as something entirely different. I had been brainstorming all sorts of things to rant and rave about. However, as I'm sitting in "My" coffee shop, I ran into a little boy no more than three who has come to my Music and Movement (dancing and singing) class at work. His family went to the church I was a part of, and his mother was exceptionally friendly and surprising me, as I left the church on not great terms (at least in my mind) and have seen few people since then. But as this little boy rattled on and on, telling me about his little brother, his elephant boots, and numerous other things, I realized somethings. Sometimes a story, a conversation, doesn't need a point, a goal, an ending. It just needs to be shared. And i realized just how much I love people. I should have no ill-will towards this woman and her family, but I am still wary that they will hurt me. Did they persoanlly hurt me, no. But they are part of the collective body that hurt me, and I have held the grudge for well over a year. And my heart has been battered more by my own actions than any action another has ever taken against me.

alive in life

So, part of my professional responsibilities includes two things I love: working with teens, and volunteering. I had my first "official" Teen Volunteer Orientation this morning, and I LOVED it.

Ten or so volunteers showed up, some of them new, some of them regulars that have been coming in regularly. I had spent quite a bit of time this summer restructuring how TV work with us. And I think it paid off. They all showed up sleepy-eyed at 930 this morning just to hear me tell them how to clean books, keep a time sheet and what not. On a side note, this really was necessary. I spent a year of my life working within a fabulously organized volunteer organization, and there is no telling what you can with volunteers if you keep track of how they work and acknowledge how HARD they work. Especially with teens.

But this was the best part: I loved just talking with them. I am nervous about working with teens this coming year in my Student Teaching assignments, but every time you put me in a group of them, like this morning, I remember why I love it. They are so awesome! It's something unexplainable. It's not the way they talk or act. I just feel alive when I work with kids, especially teens. It's...I'm speechless about it, really.

The Sweetest Thing

Had you been on a particular major road heading south last night at approximately 9:15, you would have seen a girl around my age, about my height and figure, carefully picking her away through a church lawn, the trek sabotaged by sprinklers. I was doing a pretty good job of avoiding their attack until two of them converged to soak me, and my giant red bag of which contained my laptop. This is when I shrieked, cuddling my bag like it was a child and the flying water acid rain. It was a sad day for women's history.

As I have done in the past I intend to keep all you interested readers (the three and a half of you) updated on the goings on of my life. While I was on vacation (the period of time where you had nothing good to read since I was not blogging) I officially began a triathlon training program. Now, I have kept active over the last few years, partaking in my share of hikes and walks and what not. BUT...I am not a runner. Never have been and probably never will be. It's just not fun, whether on a track or trail. I have never found personal fulfillment in running like some do. Not to mention, with all my athletic ability (which is arguable), I still manage to be clumsier then most, and after several knee injuries (I fell on it, several times, usually in public and to my great embarrassment) I have a displace knee cap. Fixable with simple exercises, but can make running kind of...painful. Literally.

However, in order for me to compete in such an athletic event, I must run. Somewhere between 1 and 3.1 miles. (before you ask why the running portion is so short, I am aiming at a Sprint Tri, which is about half the distance of a Standard Tri.) I'm following a meal plan, and keeping track of my training days which are outlined by a suggested program for VERY beginners. And while I'm still working on the mental/motivational side of training, physically it hasn't been too hard. And I'm running, actually running. Short bursts of running, but still. I'm excited about training over the next year. I think it will be good for me both mentally and physically.

While still somewhat on the topic, I have decided to call my preplanned workouts "training," rather than exercise, workouts, etc. Training is synonymous with education, and we all know how us teachers like to get our learn on.

In fact, I'm only half way done with my Masters, and I'm already convinced I'll return to school for my doctorate. It's disgusting, I know. But it would be awesome to be the first one in my family with the degree. And really, I want the opportunity that a higher degree would provide--teaching at the college level and what not.

This morning I bought a road bike to continue training. I'm pretty psyched about it. It's nothing special, but it's mine, and it's more opportunity to continue training.

PS...I really do love Lauryn Hill.

Labor Day

This has pretty much been the best day I've had in a long time.

I woke up this morning (not to my alarm set at six,) but to a call from my old roommate and friend Darcy. She invited me over for breakfast, we ran some errands, and have now made the short jaunt down the hill from her house to the uberhip coffee shop appropriately named Java.

And just now, as I'm sitting next to my friend who is reading, I realize how much I have expected out of a life that isn't necessarily mine to have. It's the simple things, the friends at coffee shops, the walk, and the sunshine that makes a day good, not how much you do, or work or strive. But just in the being. With those that love you even when you admit mistakes and make new ones. I feel renewed and refreshed. And the only thing to worry about is the shadow over me, which seems to be brightening each day.

So, this labor day, it's a good day.

Note to self

You cannot rationalize away every mistake you make. Sometimes you can, but mostly you can't. To anyone listening, you will sound like an idiot, lying to yourself, making up fantastical stories of dragons...maybe not dragons...but stories to fill in the blank spaces of your mistake.
If you choose to make the mistake knowingly, you must be prepared for the repercussions: alienation, guilt, loneliness, hours of your life wasted away...
Getting out of the situation sucks. There will be ambiguity, unanswered questions (of yourself and others) and a lot of negative thoughts (about yourself and others.)

Life can suck sometimes. This is when I wish I didn't have any responsibilities, any bills or a job to keep, no expectations to meet. All of that grown up shit. Unfortunately, it's the thought that it's that way of thinking that got me here: rather than take responsibility, meet expectations and act like an a rational person in general.

I don't know. perhaps.

growing pains

When I decided to embrace this ambiguity, I was unprepared for how isolated I would become. I, silly me, expected those around me to be able to see the opportunity for growth, no matter what the growing pains looked like, and accept the choices I make for myself. Apparently, I was wrong.

My closest friend appears to be MIA. And those who I trust and love feel the need to chide me.

Perhaps it's time that these roads diverged. I'm hoping my choices aren't a driving wedge between them though. I admit that it could be, though it seems weird that something so disconnected from them, would affect them in such a way. It makes me feel like I'm being judged. Like these choices aren't good enough, fair enough, and therefore neither am I.

I'm adult. I walked into this eyes wide open, and I understand what and why I'm doing what I'm doing. I wish only that they could too, and love me through it.

It's funny how sometimes it's the drastic, and unexpected, things in life that cause you to examine yourself. I wish I had taken the time to make this list before some of the mistakes I've made this year, but as I was praying and sending good thought's my friend's way this morning, I decided to make a list:

Things to do ASAP (let's be realistic...before 2009)
Take a writing class or workshop
Explore MFA programs
Send a piece of writing in for publication (there is a word or phrase for this, but I am unfamiliar with it.)
Take a solo vacation to Portland or New York, Mexico or Italy
Pray more
Take back (get back?) a semblance of my spiritual life
Work out more (goal: mini triathlon in 2009)
Stop...keeping the hours I've been keeping
Journal at least weekly
Dye my hair more! (any color is acceptable and permissible, and therefore encouraged)
Find an affordable tanning/yoga package/class
Research alternative transportation (from my house in town A to work in town B)
Be more crafty/creative (it's good for me!)
Buy more (fabulous) shoes
Eat better

Some may not actually happen this year, as beginning in October I start student-teaching while continuing my full-time employment in the evenings. However, I sure will try my best!

In the meantime...here are some luscious sites I've discovered and love. I've spent much too much time perusing them as of late...
Modish
Etsy