becoming me

I got an email today, from a particular person in my life, and I realized that somewhere between the beginning and the end, I decided to embrace the ambiguity, to live in the in between. And, here's the big part, be ok with it.

I don't really know how healthy this decision will be for me in the long run. I don't know how ok I will be with this decision in a month, a year or even a week, but I think looking at this from a different perspective is helping me justify my choice.

You see, I was raised in a kind of Christian home, the kind where even if you don't DO it, you SAY it. And that never sat well with me. On Sunday, I had a really cathartic conversation with a friend in which I realized that part of struggle in the last few months have been based on this upbringing: I don't live it anymore, but I keep saying it. How is that any healthier? Only this morning, two days after conversing with my friend, and realizing that this disconnect between my faith, my actions and my words exists, do I feel like I can make any progress towards real faith. What do I believe in, except for knowing that which I do not believe? And if I have only ever been told to not believe something, how do i know that it is harmful, unhealthy, discontenting, or empty? I can be told that something is such, but I only ever know if I see it or touch it for myself, only if I live it for myself.

I am so tempted to say that this is a reaction to my obedient youth, a way to find myself before entering the adult world (which is much too quickly approaching) and while these reasons may be true, I think there is a part of me that also wants to live life to the fullest, to be good, bad, to be wise, foolish, to be quiet and loud to be ok with both, whatever they be. I don't know that I need to limit myself by someone else's standards, which is what much of my life has been. I don't want to ONLY be what you think of or perceive me to be. I want to be who I am, who I am and will become.

So far, this process sucks. And now I know why so many who fill in the same little age bubble that I do refer to this as a quarter-life crisis. I'm hoping I can survive.