So I've been doing a LOT of thinking lately. And there is a LOT to express right now. So much so, I'm not even sure where to start. But since this is a blog about me, I'll start there.
I recently broke up with the man I met this summer. It was horrible. I was cold, solid, unyielding. I said I'd listen. But I didn't. I told him I didn't love him and slammed the door in his face. As soon as I did, I fell on my face crying on my stairs. I don't know why I did it, but I shut him out. I closed my heart, and I walked away, not caring what would happen to him, how it would impact him or make him feel. Not caring that I could be making the biggest mistake of my life. I was, after all, dumping the only man that has ever truly loved me.
But he didn't leave. He stayed. He left me a present in my mailbox. He texted the next day. He wasn't going to give up. And so we prayed. I felt the need to pray about what should happen. I needed to know that what we were doing and where we were going was where I wanted and needed to go according to God's plan. SO we both prayed for three days. Those were the most excruciating three days of my life. I felt really strongly that we shouldn't be "together" but that I didn't want him out of my life. That didn't make sense to me, and I was so confused, I just prayed that God would provide a clear answer, the same answer to both of us.
And he did. We agreed to date. How this is different than before is only internal, and probably confined to me. But it has allowed me to take a step back emotionally. To decide and determine what it is I really want, and to hopefully find that in him.
But what this has revealed, even more than the fact that this guy loves me unconditionally, is how incredibly selfish I am. I always wondered if I was more of the introverted variety than the extroverted. However, I think what has become glaringly clear is that I am not just introverted. Yes, I would rather spend the afternoon by myself in a coffee shop, tapping away at my laptop, or reading the same book I've already read three times. But I am selfish. I don't want to share my time with anyone. I don't want to answer to anyone. I don't want anyone to question my secret darknesses and inconsistencies. I don't want to have to be honest in the way that relationships require. And I don't want to have to love like I am loved. Because it's hard. And I'm not good at it. Even as a child, I could say these same things about myself. And I have not grown up in the slightest.
And maybe that's exactly why God has put this man in my life. To help me grow up. To share my darknesses and inconsistencies with. And to show me that it is possible to love through them.
I don't know for sure if this man is that one. But I know for sure that my heart is being changed. All of the ugly layers are beginning to peel away. And I mean UGLY. I have been meaner and more selfish since the break up as these things are revealed to me than I ever have been before. My only hope is that if I cling to Jesus he will not just peel them back, but reform the heart that is somewhere beneath. Because I know it's there somewhere. I can feel it beating.