So I've been unhappy recently. And I can't figure out why. I'm teaching well, much better than last year, somewhat successfully juggling two jobs (I took on night school responsibilities this year in order to earn some extra cash) and have been seeing a really sweet guy that adores me. So what could be wrong?
Part of me thinks that it has something to do with the HUGE amount of upheaval I've felt over the last several months. An big unplanned purchase (new car,) a new relationship (that is still working!?) and this feeling of spiritual longing has lead me to feeling uneasy. I can't help but wonder if there is something I can delete from this equation that would help me feel more satisfied.
Because that's the real problem. I don't feel satisfied. I wonder if I could be doing more, be doing better. I wonder if this relationship is "the one" and I worry that I will make the wrong choice in so many areas of my life. And with constant decisions being made, that does not add up to feeling confident in making them. I don't see my friends, and I haven't felt the emotional support of them in a while. I know it is there, I just don't get to feel it as much or as often as I'd like. We've all grown up a little, entered into new lives, some in new places. And while they are still near and dear to my heart, I can't help but miss what we had even just a year ago. Maybe that's part of my problem. I'm grieving the loss of the life that I had. It looks different now, and I'm not ready for that.
Part of me knows the answer is easy: trust God. But...
And then I'm lost. I don't have any excuses left. I need prayer. I need rest. I need Jesus to show me my choices are right or to kindly guide me to the right ones.
A student said to me today that I'm always frowning. I know that wasn't the case just a few weeks ago. But I feel like this funk has settled over me, and I'm not happy with anything right now. I have known for a while that something was coming. Something was on the horizon that would change my life. Are these new developments those things? Is this relationship that thing? Where do I go from here?
That's the next step. Find out. None of that is easy. In fact, it's uneasy.