Thursday, May 1

For now.

I'm going crazy. For a lot of reasons. Most of which are because I'm not keeping my head on straight and thinking instead about things in the periphery that are only causing to distract me.

Such as:
Work. I keep thinking about how great it *could* be if I taught this fall, rather than how much better it will be if I just save my money now, and quiet working all together while I student teach.

Men. Why is it that I am never satisfied with life? I keep going and moving and finding something new. And it seems that transfers over into my relationships to. I was a total bitch to this guy I have been hanging out with, simply because couldn't meet my busy, incredibly demanding schedule. Have I made any effort? Hell no! Did I go looking for something "better" thinking it would solve the problem? I sure did. Did it? Nope. Now I'm stuck between two people, neither of which I know very well, and both of whom are distracting me.

Life. I really want to get the most out of it. Hence the reason why I think I want something and as soon as I get it, I want something else. It's not because I'm unsatisfied with the first. Necessarily. But because I used it up, I experienced it, it's now in my "LIFE BANK OF LIFE EXPERIENCES" and I want to keep adding to it. I know this might seem, naive, or hasty, and in some ways it is. But it's where I'm at. For now.

And in all of this, I feel more confident and less confident in myself than ever. I am ok with exactly where I am. With every choice I make. With every direction I take. They are all MINE. And I feel like I own them, and can therefore take full responsibility for them. I don't have to share. DO I want to share?

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