Sunday, December 30


I met with some friends tonight that I haven't seen for a few months. At least a good two months. And it was strange.

I am learning, about myself, that more and more I AM an all or nothing person. And that can be dangerous. And scary. I jump into things without looking, and I choose to avoid something without reason. I don't always live by such extremes, but often I find myself judging the value of something, based on whether I can do it all the way, or if it would be better to not do it at all.

This is not always bad. But it can be. I jump into relationships (in all senses of the word) without fully judging whether it would be good, healthy, valuable. And then I am surprised when the investment I unthinkingly, it seems, make is not returned. If I were playing the stock market, I would have lost a lot of money this year.

It's good to be heady and witless sometimes, with somethings. But when you live your life that way all the time, there is more hurt than there is reward, and there is more sorrow than there is happiness. I don't know if that is necessarily bad. I know that I have learned a lot, A LOT, over the past year which has been steeped in things unpleasant. But a little care could probably have cause less pain, and a little caution maybe some life to life.

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