Friday, July 1

In love?

I have fallen head over in heels in love. And it is the most excruciating experience of my life. The highs are so high. Even when it's a small gesture. And the lows are so low that it feels like I might be suffocating. It's this phrase "in love" that causes me to stop and ponder. I'm not IN love. I am loving. And it's scary. And it hurts. Because I have to open myself up to possibility that that love will not be returned. How do you do that? Purposely put your heart on the line and hope that it turns out for the best. Trusting in God would be the easy answer. Indeed, one that is easier to say than it is to do.

So I thought, hmm...where can I find some answers? Postsecretarchives of course. Where every fear and thought, every worry and wonder has been stated and enunciated before I even realized I was thinking it. Where, even though there are no answers, there is commiseration. (Is that even a word!?) I can click through the pages of archives, and know that in fact, when I feel most alone, like the one person who I WANT to understand me more than anything doesn't, there are thousands who have gone through the exact same thing. They have asked the same questions of themselves, doubted the same doubts, sank to the same depths of emotion and flown high on the same clouds.

A few weeks ago, I had this thought: So this is the view from cloud nine? Pretty nice. Today I realized I fell from that cloud, and that people were not meant to live in clouds, but in community. And that is a lot harder to do when you're in love.

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