13

Do you remember that Jennifer Garner movie...13 Going on 30? I do. And unlike the beautiful Jennifer Garner, my age progression does not seem to be going forward.

I was reminded last night, in a frustratingly and beautifully honest voice, that I am still a work in progress. Every time I think I've found solid ground, something shifts, or changes, and I come to realize that no matter how hard I work, or how far I've come, I'm not done growing up.

In some ways, I'm glad for that. I don't want to be static, or stagnant, or stunted before my time. I want to be pushed and challenged, I want to grow and explore. And more often than not, I don't have the time or energy, and more often than I'd like to admit, the courage, to push myself in more than a few ways. I've spent the last few years pushing my body. It's far from perfect. But it is by far better than it has been. The mental challenge that this requires has changed me too. And while I appreciate my new found physical and much quieter emotional strength, there is still work to do.

The person that pointed out this not quite fatal but still detrimental flaw is someone I have not known long. But nonetheless, someone that has become important to me very quickly. I hate the double edge sword that relationships sometimes seem. In order for you to know them and them you, you must open yourself. Unfold the layers of guilt and hurt, of memories and experiences, and try to share them. Not explicitly, by telling story after story of your life up until the point you met, though some of that does inevitably happen. But rather in your actions and person, through who you are and HOW you are. And it's sometimes ugly. Really ugly. How do you know if sharing what you are and how you got that way won't make them turn heel and run? You don't. How do you know you won't peel away the layers, hoping to replace those with fonder memories and lovelier things, and they won't be bandaged but instead scrapped away. We don't. And I guess that's the risk we take when we love. It takes a strong person to love, and a stronger person to let themselves be loved.