Friday, May 2

Know Me

I am so thankful for good friends.

Tonight, my life suddenly (divinely?) snapped into focus, and while I'm still not sure what I'm looking at, I do know what it is that I don't want to look at.

A friend from college died this morning. I got a text tonight (as I was preparing to act recklessly and be foolish) telling me this, and I wanted to cry, throw up and run away all at the same time. I had planned on spending my evening in a less than prudent manner, perhaps partaking in a beverage or three and in the company of persons that I do not need to even waste brain cells thinking about. The kind that meet people in dark street corners, or parking lots. Literally.

Instead, as I was getting ready, two friends called me and I was roped into meeting for coffee (I have to keep up appearances after all). Then my aunt, who I almost never talk to, called me, but left no message. This is the aunt who is nearly clairvoyant, and I was sure she knew what I was up to. And then, on my way to meet my friends for coffee, intent on skipping out when I got a call or text, I did indeed receive a text. See above.

I circled the block simply in want of something to do. I wasn't sure if I should stay or go or park or what. So I parked, went inside, fidgeted, and called my friend who had texted me the news. I no longer planned on meeting any person anywhere. How is it that something so minute, in the grander scheme of things, can shake you so?

By the end of the night, all of my questions, doubts, insecurities, struggles were laid bare on the coffee table before my two friends. I was naked (metaphorically speaking) in front of people that I'm still not sure I trust. Not because I don't love them, but because I don't trust anyone. ANYONE.

But I realize I have a lot of work to do. A few weeks ago, a dear friend (indeed the one to call tonight) said to me, "I think you should spend a lot of time with Jesus. Get to know each other." I agree. I just don't trust people enough to let them get to know me.

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