I must say that already I feel much better about myself. I knew that four months of nothing was going to be hard, but it was much harder than I thought. As I write, I'm sitting in the Library Coffeehouse searching for test dates, writing this blog, scheduling for reading time and feeling excited at the prospect of feeling overworked again.
I know that I'm a little bit of a a stressslut, but I like that about myself. I'm an overacheiver, kind of. I like to be involved in things, and have a lot of things going on all at once. If I don't I begin to doubt my self worth. I should really look into that. But I think anybody can relate to the feelings of uselessness if there is literally nothing in your life.
I have spent the last four months working part time, wondering what happened to all those people I used to see every day. And it occured to me that I saw them more, or it seems that I see them more, when the rest of my life is filled up with the other things that I like to do: work school, etc. And when I'm not doing those things, and instead waiting around for the rest of my life to call on me, I feel lonely and useless and hurt.
So there is some of it.
I'm looking forward to the next year, and what lays ahead. I think it will be good, and exciting, and even though I know a lot has come up inside of myself these last couple of months that I need to deal with, I hope that there will be people that genuinely want to deal with it WITH me.