So I haven't posted in a long time. But it seems right, to write, about now.
I had\havea friend that just moved in with me. She tried to kill herself last week. And now she is sleeping on my couch all the days, and going out doing who knows what all the nights. She tinks she might be pregnant now. And I have to work in the morning at 4am. What am I doing. All I want to do in life is help people. And this is where it gets me every time. I don't know how to make people see that their life, if only they would stop trying to make so much out of it, and if they would let it go a little, is not that bad. Sure, she has screwed it up pretty bad right now, and it feels like it sucks, but if only she could let it go for half a second, and feel what it feels like to really let go, to feel the wind in her hair or the rain on her cheek, to feel it, and to have it be all there is in the world, then maybe she would live another day. And be ok with that.
I think that we over think stuff too much. There is something in the small things. The kids who don't quite get it, and the insane little pieces of love that hold everything together. Otherwise we would all fall apart. I wish there were more little kids in the world. Or big kids who thought like little kids.
I had a conversation with a friends the other day. We are both twenty-something single women who are pretty disillusioned with the world, and in particular the world that has a lover, right now. She said that if there was no such thing as "relationship" then we would have no sense of wanting one, and therefore no sense of loss if we did not have one. But what is it that we long for? Sex, love, desire or to be desired? I think it's all those things. But I think even more, it's friendship, intimacy, pure, simple closeness in relationship. I have recently become quite close with several male friends that I have known for a while. But we've deepend our friendship, mostly because I stopped being scared of them. I think that the simple act of talking, knowing, looking, holding, and loving each other for who they are is something born into us, innate within each and every one of our beings. If we were wiped out today, and the world started over tomorrow, wouldn't we be lonely if there was no one here to play with? Wouldn't we still go crazy if there was no one to say goodnight to, or to walk along the deserted earth with? The world does put the desire in us to have relationship. We want it because it is good. And it is pure and it is holy.
I have this intense desire to know everyone I ever meet. To really know them, and to know everything about them. And it scares a lot of people. But I want to have relationship because if we don't, then what will we have? Will we end up searching couch to couch, looking for fulfillment in the nights or the faces of strangers? If we know them, they cannot be strangers.