Thursday, May 12

I'm not it.

So, is it that I'm afraid to be truly happy? Am I afraid of giving all of myself to someone? Am I afraid of getting all of someone else in return? Yes. To all of it. And screw me for thinking I'm special for any of it. I'm not the only one who ever had commitment issues, right?

So, why do I seemt o completely screw up any semblance of relationship I have? Any hint of friendship with those of the opposite sex is tainted by the sheer introduction of me. What? WHAT? YEAH! I'm going to live in my parents attic for the rest of my life writing poetry that no one reads. Maybe I'll have a secret lover. Maybe I'll remain a sad, sad case. But the truth will still be there. I'm hopeless. Isn't it supposed to be the guy that comes crawling back, begging for forgivness, if only I'd give him another chance, he won't do it again.

So I have high standards. Maybe my "standards" are just a way to hide my expectations. A way for me to say that I want nothing but the best, and if you don't look it, you don't get it. I won't so much as acknowledge that you are male if you aren't Christian, if you smoke, drink or do drugs, don't have a job, don't read for pleasure, if you can't have a conversation without talking about sports and if you go to pro games for fun I really get sick. What is wrong with that? I guess nothing. But if I stick to it, I'm a snob. I have come to realize this onseveral occasions. Yes. And then I quickly forget it, rationalizing it away with a thought that God will bring the perfect fit to me for my other half, and he won't be any of those things. But I have not even once stopped to think that maybe I'm not the perfect fit to his. Ever.

Have I wasted too much time looking for the "perfect" person, when I'm not one either?

1 comment:

Tristan said...

God has someone for you. He really does. I used to think "am I setting my standards too high?". I also had to wait over 24 years, but finally God gave me somebody who isn't what I'd imagined, but is *better*. She's not perfect (who is!?), but she's perfect for me :)

I don't think having high expectations is a problem - God will bless you with someone who is amazing for you :-D the guy may not be *quite* what you're expecting, but he'll be just right for you :)

Sometimes, things may not be easy either, but then anything worth having is more valuable *because* of the hard times.

I know it sounds easy for me to say this, but I only found my woman a few months ago, so I know what the wait is like.

My advice? Enjoy being single while you can, and then God'll bring the right person at exactly the right time :)

Sorry for the waffle :-S