Wednesday, June 9

Damn Certainty

Have you ever had to make a decision where you have two choices, one of which you want to choose, and one of which you know is the right choice? This question was posed to me, and about one hundred and fifty other college coeds, last night in a sermon at SALT, the local college group off campus. And I knew exactly what he meant. You see, I have been trying to get a job for the past three months in my small college town where part-time jobs are hard to come by, and part-time summer jobs are even less plentiful. I should have known that I didn't get the job I wanted when, when I called to confirm my employment, neither of the people I needed to talk to were working that day. So instead, I called back on another application I had turned in. That lady wasn't working either. So I thought, ok, I'll check out my financial aid situation for next year. It turns out that not only do I not have enough to cover my need, but the paper work that I had turned in on time, got processed late due to an office aide error. So what is this about making a decision, and certainity? Well, I have "known" for a while that I'm done with this town. I've done what I came to do, even though I'm not sure exactly what it was. And God is moving me around a bit. He's decided to shake my life up. Basically, I'm being forced out of the comfortable little world I've lived in for the past two years and into a bigger, scarier and new world that I have no idea how I will survive in. And I'm honestly not sure I'm ok with that. I don't know how I feel about having to trust God completely. Because up until now, I've only had to trust him for the things I knew would turn out ok. But I don't know that this will turn out ok. I don't know that if I leave, I will ever be able to come back, and I want to. I don't know that if I leave I will be provided for, financially, emotionally, spiritually. I don't know that if I leave my friends will be safe and loved without me. I don't know that I will be. And maybe that is exactly why He is doing it. Maybe everything will turn out alright in the end, and I will be able to come back and renewed and wholer person. But I'm still scared. And maybe that is why He's doing it.

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