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Thursday, February 28

Shortcomings and tea

I had coffee with a friend yesterday. And it made me think how much things change. How much you can change in such a short amount of time. Or maybe, how quickly time goes, and before we know it, we have become different people.

I looked at this friend and didn't recognize them. All the mannerisms were there. The same hair, and familiar hands. But your eyes were vacant; void of any emotion, even when the voice was telling me you were so excited. I wanted to badly to believe you. But I didn't. And I don''t. And that's ok. Because it's not up to me.

And the only thing I came away with is this thought: what am I doing to nourish my soul? How am I making sure my eyes match my voice, my hands stay familiar to those I love, and my heart close to those I care about? And I'm not sure I have an answer.

There is so much that I'm doing. And just doing. Nothing is exciting, nothing is hopeful.

Empty.

Lonely.

Stress Full.

I want my life to be

JOYFUL!

Loving.

CareFull, friendly, generous, open, gracious, sexy, learning, loving, beautiful, simple...

Calm.

And so I knit. But in an effort to better myself. Better myself? In an effort to create for myself a hobby, a way to relax, I learned something new. Rather than relax in something familiar and restful, I felt it necessary to challenge myself. The word stresssult comes to mind.

3 comments:

IS said...

Noticed that mannerism stay the same at last year's high school reunion...haven't looked for the eyes all too closely. Good point.

John said...

maybe the person's eyes were vacant for a number of reasons. like what if they were sobered with the reality of all their previous failures and is a burden they continue to carry (even if they know it is unnecessary). what if the lack of light/life in their eyes is because they know that you know they've started things and not followed through on and are wondering what you're thinking, because you're distant too? what if they were more excited about other things more than the grind of their life? what if all that is before them is the next homework assignment and that's as close as they get to helping people who have a need and there is a nagging dissatisfaction with that? just questions and thoughts

everydayjae said...

I guess I would say, this is what I'm thinking: why are you, whoever you are, where ever you are, doing something that causes such a naggin dissatisfaction? Why, if you're wondering what the person in front of you is thinking, don't you ask? Why if you know it's unnecessary, do you carry something around that you've been carrying around? Is the answer to this last question, the reason for the the first two?
And I don't think I really have the answers. I know that the question I came away with, after seeing someone I cared about, and still care about, walking around in a shell of what they used to be (to me at least) is what am I doing to make I am not that person to someone else?
I don't think we can avoid some of this. It has to be a part of growing. But I think that there is a difference between growing and changing.
Thanks for the comment.