Tuesday, November 30

Something Remembered

Cheer. It's such an old-fashioned word. One that brings to mind thoughts of holidays with little twinkling lights and lots of good smells. It's something I, until more recently, had always sought to spread. My goal in life, I used to tell people, was to make someone smile. To see someone smile simply because of me, simply because I had loved them, brought joy into their life in some way no matter how big or small, made me feel like a millions bucks.

I had forgotten that.

That goal that I have had so close to my heart has disappeared. In it's place is anger and confusion; frustration at the world and at everyone except myself but most of all myself. I am so lost, suddenly feeling stranded in my own mind. I don't even know what I want anymore. That goal that was so me, that I identified myself by, that every action was produced from, and every word spoken with is now shoveled beneath something unidentifiable and bleak. It's funny that i even think of that person who used to think of that one aim daily. I am not her anymore. And though part of me longs to revive her I am quite unsure if she still exists. But she must, musn't she? I thought of her today. And she and I are the same. I wonder though, if I am able to correct that which needs correction. I know how to fix myself. I am highly self aware. But I am also very stubborn, and not often am I willing to fall on my face and admit my shortcomings. Insert profuse cursing here. And I am spent, now unwilling to unearth more of my less than tortured and still so buried soul.

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