Summer Melancholy

I've been wanting to write lately. I don't know what to say or how to say it, but I want to write. I want to form words and phrases and make them make sense, because it seems like nothing makes sense and words are more easily controlled than people, or emotions, or life, or the breeze that changes the direction of the sails. And I want to make something beautiful, because I do not feel beautiful. I feel fat, and ugly, and imperfect, and like I've been spit out on the floor like chewed leather.

I read a post similar to this from one of my favorite bloggers. She is from the same city I grew up in, and now lives in Portland, Or. with her beautiful little family. She described my exact mood in more perfect words than I ever could and she named them so appropriately. I, too, am mildly melancholy. Not the kind of melancholy that brings sweaters and long weekends without the soul-cleansing powers of showers. But the kind that sort of sits, just outside of your grasp. The kind that sinks in slowly, and leaves even slower. The kind that comes with release and holding on. And, boy, do I have a lot to release. And I struggle to want to hold one, because what if I can't hold it tight enough? Or worse, what if I hold on so tight I strangle it?

I love the power of words, and I only wish I could find better ones to say I love you.

Snow Day!

Snow day 2013! While I have done SOME work, in the form of grading (late) essays that were submitted online while in the comfort and warmth of the coffee shop within the closest walking distance to my house, it has thus far been a fairly relaxed morning. And I'm thankful for it.

The last few weeks have gone by fast and furious. Work, workouts, grading, and life has just seemed so full. And while it has been overwhelming in some ways, I have not been overwhelmed. I have never felt so content with the busyness that I feel. I think part of this is accepting that this is my life right now. I might not always be able to afford to spend every day at the gym with a trainer. I might not always have a job to wake up to go to. I might not always be able to stock my fridge and freezer with a month's worth of healthy food. And I might not always be able to count on hearing the voices and seeing the faces of people I love. But today, I can. And I'm going to cherish that.

Thank you, Jesus, for all of these blessings. And for the snow that has blanketed my city. It reminds me that you cover a multitude of sins and make even me new again.

Uneasy

So I've been unhappy recently. And I can't figure out why. I'm teaching well, much better than last year, somewhat successfully juggling two jobs (I took on night school responsibilities this year in order to earn some extra cash) and have been seeing a really sweet guy that adores me. So what could be wrong?

Part of me thinks that it has something to do with the HUGE amount of upheaval I've felt over the last several months. An big unplanned purchase (new car,) a new relationship (that is still working!?) and this feeling of spiritual longing has lead me to feeling uneasy. I can't help but wonder if there is something I can delete from this equation that would help me feel more satisfied.

Because that's the real problem. I don't feel satisfied. I wonder if I could be doing more, be doing better. I wonder if this relationship is "the one" and I worry that I will make the wrong choice in so many areas of my life. And with constant decisions being made, that does not add up to feeling confident in making them. I don't see my friends, and I haven't felt the emotional support of them in a while. I know it is there, I just don't get to feel it as much or as often as I'd like. We've all grown up a little, entered into new lives, some in new places. And while they are still near and dear to my heart, I can't help but miss what we had even just a year ago. Maybe that's part of my problem. I'm grieving the loss of the life that I had. It looks different now, and I'm not ready for that.

Part of me knows the answer is easy: trust God. But...

And then I'm lost. I don't have any excuses left. I need prayer. I need rest. I need Jesus to show me my choices are right or to kindly guide me to the right ones.

A student said to me today that I'm always frowning. I know that wasn't the case just a few weeks ago. But I feel like this funk has settled over me, and I'm not happy with anything right now. I have known for a while that something was coming. Something was on the horizon that would change my life. Are these new developments those things? Is this relationship that thing? Where do I go from here?

That's the next step. Find out. None of that is easy. In fact, it's uneasy.

People are Beautiful

Every once in a while, just as I sit down on a bench, or take a sip of coffee, this recurring thought strikes me:

People are so beautiful.

Whether it's the old man lovingly hold his wife's hand. Or the housewife self consciously adjusting even her modest dress. The young mother holding her delightfully chunky baby. Maybe the young man with sixteen gadgets stuck to various ears and hands and eyes. Or a businessman with just the slightest trace left on his face of the high school nerd he once was.

They are absolutely gorgeous.

And today I thought, no wonder God wants to know us. No wonder WE search for the thing that will complete us, unknowingly searching in all the wrong places. And we are so unapologetically, audaciously, outlandishly beautiful.

And we are His.

Ready to Write

Ok, so this blog is about me. Right? Which means I get to decide what goes on it. So today I'm going to talk about writing.

You see, I've had this here blog since...2004! (I just had to check. That's a freaking long time!) And I've gone through periods where I write daily and there are quite literally years lost where I don't write a single thing. And that's ok. Because it took me a while to embrace the fact that I am a writer. I have something to say, and for some reason, there are people, maybe even some who don't know it yet, that want to hear what I have to say. I began this blog simply as a way to record my life. To have something to look back on, a place to write and have it matter, to have it mean something to someone. But mostly I started it for myself. And I struggle with actually allowing people to see in to that. But I think I'm ready. So...here I will write.

Why not start a new blog, you say? Well, I have. Actually I have 3 here on Blogger, and several others in various states of beginning on Wordpress, and I couple wikis actually too. But for some reason I can't get away from this particular blog. For some reason, maybe the exact reason I fear, I love that this blog has known me for the last eight years. I love that it has recorded some of my journey in a way no other thing could: in my words. Mine. And I'm excited to let it record this next phase of my life. Again, in my words.

So, join me, won't you?

Updates, updates.

I have about a million things to write about. I will write about a few, in true me-style, most likely in long rambling sentences that touch on numerous topics.

I completed my first triathlon last weekend! It was an amazing experience, and I will definitely do it again. During the run (and walk...) I felt unsure if I COULD finish, my legs were moving so slowly, and I had no energy to make them work harder. I now understand why people collapse at the end of marathons... But I knew I COULD finish, and kept on. I'm so glad I did. I had a goal to finish, preferably under 2 hours, and I met both! Yay! I'm planning on doing at least one sprint next year, and I'll be training for an Oly, though I kind of doubt I will be that in shape by this time next year...we'll see.

I did move. I'm living in podunk. Nice podunk. But still podunk. To me anyways. I think it's nice, for what it is, but it's not Boise. And...after all the hemming and hawing, I really, really, REALLY love Boise. And...there might be someone there to keep me there (or take me back...) Time will tell on that one.

I think I finally had a I-have-no-money-but-still-need-to-decorate-my-classroom breakthrough today! I'm getting really excited for school to start, even though I have thought little about what I'm going to do in the first few days. That's what next week is for...right? I am pondering starting a new blog just for lesson plans and classroom musings. If I do, and you're interested in keeping tabs on that one, let me know!

Until next time!

One more reason I love Idaho...

Check it out.

P.S.

Is it weird that I consider JT study music?

P.P.S. I really want babies.

feeling good

I've been feeling really good about life lately. I don't know if there is a particular reason for it. Maybe the increase in free time, the endorphins released this morning after a nearly 10 mile bike ride (it's not really that long...anyone could do it.) or maybe I'm finally finding balance. I think it might be a little of everything. But I love it all.

So much more I feel like I could say, but the sunshine is more appropriate than my words.

100 Things To Do

I've decided that I should make a list of things I want to do, preferably in Boise, before the end of the summer. Since I'm only working part time, and have a sudden abundance of time on my hands, this should be a fun, and time consuming endeavor. Where to start...

1. Attend Yoga in the park
2. See an Idaho Shakespeare Festival show
3. Visit the zoo
4. Attend the ballet*
5. See an Idaho Dance Theatre show*
6. Bike the whole distance of the greenbelt
7. Spend a whole day in the park reading
8. Complete a triathlon
9. Write a complete semester of lesson plans
10. Eat at Goldy's

These are just a few, and I kind of cheated by inlcuding things I'm already working on. If you have any suggestions, leave a comment!

*seasonal-will have to do later

hurts so good

The seriousness with which I workout has waivered back and forth the last few months. But I seem to be a pretty good kick right now, and it feels so good.

In case you haven't heard (in which case, your ears have been removed because I'm talking about it constantly) I'm training for a triathlon. It's a short event, but it will take the whole summer to get prepared. I have been keeping close tabs on the forums over at beginnertriathlete.com, which is amazing resource. They also have alist of training plans, one of which I officially began today. It was pretty good, and with a few modifications I made it work for me.

I also recently found some awesome workout music that's available through free downloads! How sweet is that!? motiontraxx.com and podrunner.com are two of these. They are based on the idea that if you run to a certain amount of beats per minute (BPM) then you will have a more consistent and rigourous workout. I really like the one I used today from podrunner. I'll let you know how it goes when I get to the one from motiontraxx, but it's a little more advanced than I am at the moment.

Well, for now I'm going to shower and get myself over to the bike shop so I can get my road bike all fixed up. I'm so excited about being able to ride on a real bike, rather than the little fakeys at the gym. Woo Hoo!

spring is in the air

It's officially over. My last day student teaching was Thursday, and I turned in my final grades Friday. And then I promptly bawled my eyes out for half an hour. It breaks my heart to think I won't see these kids graduate, or even finish the year. Is this how it's going to be every year?

I will be back for a bit, to complete my thesis research, and after I turned down a job offer from them as an aide, I committed to volunteering at least once a week. Now onto the really hard part: finding a job.

However, as much as that is on my mind, I am not really worried about it. I took spring break off from work, and will be moving (a more immediate concern) and just enjoying the time to myself. I'm planning a massage, a mani/pedi, and some spring time bike riding down the greenbelt. I'm so excited!

And every day, I wake up knowing I will find out one other way I'm incredibly blessed. I love this time of year!

sunday brunch

Coming down from the first work out in several weeks, I feel fabulous. And so, my observations are more rose colored than usual.

I saw the sweetest things I think I've seen in a long time. The coffee shop I visit regularly, yes the same one of all the previous mentions, has been hosting a most unusual couple recently. In this small conservative town, it is generally uncommon to see mixed race couples. This couple is that, and the woman also appears to be older than her husband (they both wear bands, I assume they're married). As I pondered the strangeness of this in this land, I saw yet another miracle: as the woman's husband returned to their table, he laid his hands over hers and bowed his head. This brief interlude reminded me of how precious relationship is, and I need to treasure the ones I have, and nurture the ones that come along.

neighborhood maps

The sun is shining, the air is sweet with promise, and I'm sipping an iced coffee with soy, quite appropriately I think.

Yesterday, I began a writing activity with my remedial English class. I wasn't sure how they would respond to it, as it was originally designed for younger grades. However, I want them to be thinking, writing, and sharing with each other. We went through the first few steps together, and then I paused, waiting to finish the writing next week. I then shared the results of my own writing following this prompt last spring. Not only was I surprised at how well they participated in the initial steps, but they were respectful, and maybe more importantly, interested in my childhood memories. As I read, I looked to their faces for signs of something. And I was ovejoyed when I saw their eyes soften, their lips part slightly with breath, and their posture straighten.

The year is feeling drunk with hope.

I wish I had it in me to blog. I have things to say...the kid who won't stop asking about my personal life, the horrible beginning to "The Crucible" unit, a stacks of work I still need to grade, and my own struggles to justify a classroom that I wouldn't facilitate myself outside of this student-teaching experience. The quiz I need to write after I get off work tonight and have ready for first period tomorrow. Teaching stuff I haven't even read yet. I have so much to learn about HS English. I thought this was going to be cake...I forgot I hated HS the first time around. Now I'm stuck there. Or somewhere near there.

AH...we'll see. I'm actually enjoying my time, and finding myself wanting to stay after school to plan, grade, just be in the classroom more. I think this was the right decision, even if I'm fighting with myself about it.

and on the downside...

I had my first full day of teaching today. My schedule starts with freshman English, then to junior English, and I finish the day with a class with the sole intent to help those assigned to attend to pass the state standardized test. Seriously.

For the first day, I don't think it went too bad. A lot of it was spent making sure kids were in the right class, and trying to ascertain (that was one of the vocabulary words for today) their skill levels. Since they are brand spanking new to me, and I to them, there will be some of this throughout the first two weeks, I'm sure.

My second period is freaking hilarious. I already know that I have lost at least a little authority over them simply because I couldn't keep a straight face today. I really wasn't expecting that problem, but will be more prepared tomorrow. Hopefully. I think having a more structured schedule will help, as I under-planned just a bit. This was for two reasons. a) as I said before, I wasn't sure of their skill level, and how much I could expect them to complete in a period and b) I'm almost entirely making up this curriculum as I go. For a student-teacher to do that, in addition to everything else (life, work, class, and two other periods to plan for) um...well...that's a lot. At least right now when I still don't know what I'm actually doing.

The only downside so far, as I found out this morning around 1030, is the whole waitng-to-go-to-the-bathroom-thing. And having to share a bathroom with students. Let's just say that it's a little awkward when around, lets just say 1030 this morning, you realize you have to take a dump. Bad. And instead of excusing yourself, and quietly visiting the teachers lounge during passing period, you have to hold it. And when you finally get a chance to visit the throne room, (seven hours later) it's full of teenage girls. Doing nothing. Except hanging out in the bathroom. Apparently waiting to see if your shit does stink. I guarantee you ladies...it does.

The beginning of the end...

Today was my last day student teaching. Well, student teaching in this particular placement. And, seeing as how I couldn't wait to be finished, I'm a little uncertain why I feel kind of sad.

The second period class I worked with were...how do you say...brats. Complete and utter horribleness. But, by the end of my six (or seven or eight or nine) weeks, they seemed to genuinely like me, and I them. They were the only class to cry in outrage when my CT reminded them that today would be my last day in class. And they were the only ones who wanted a hug to commemorate the leaving. I got six. Or something like that. Considering that they're 13, too cool (literally) for school and whatnot, I will take it as a good sign.

I have more to say, but my thoughts are jumbling, and I kind of have to pee.

Reminders

It occurred to me to be thankful for the young, lively, though er...abundant...body that has been bestowed to me when three older women, all thin, well dressed and quite beautiful, sat down at the table next to me this morning.

I overheard the first exclaim as she was sitting: "Girls...this is the first time in.....years....that I have no....Botox in my body!"

Upon a closer look, I noticed the tell-tale lines around the mouth, the eyes, slightly rounder than they should be, that suggests they have been altered in some way. Some cream was applied or injected to neutralize their natural state. The dull, flat color that disguises the gray in their hair, the tight clothes that whisper that they once had a figure to covet.

What happens as we age? Do we become more aware of what we had, or yearn for what never was? Does it happen to all of us, or are some able to skip into that good night, yearning only for what comes next and not giving notice of what has been?

This could sound like petty jealousy, I realize. But I was reminded this morning that life is beyond the picture, surface and two dimensional, that we encounter in each other. Life is what we do, hopefully what we make, rather than what we see.

"Something's Missing"

It's definitely a John Mayer day. I don't listen to a lot of him, I own one cd, and I'm not sure which. But his voice seems to match the overcast skies, and my downtrodden mood. I think it mostly makes me think of fall, and coffeeshops, and good friends, of to whom I am not such a great friend in return.

Fall makes me mournfully remember the past, and at the same time, urges me to think of the future. It's usually around this time of year that I make grand plans, and reconcile with myself the plans that I did not accomplish in the last year.

I'm also reminded that it's the simple thing in life that are what make it worth living. Leaves turning color, breezes that ruffle your hair, and walks among trees. I don't know why I can't embrace my inner simpleton. I feel like I'm constantly striving for more, rather than being grateful for what is present. I know part of it is purely coveting that which I don't have: the ability to discuss things of larger importance, politics, changes in society. I can't and don't want to talk about those things. Instead, I want to loudly discuss last weeks high school football game, who is getting married and having babies, and the best way to cook the abundance of squash my neighbor cheerfully donated for a church or neighborhood potluck. Those are things that aren't part of my life, that if I could be honest with myself, I want more than anything. I guess, to sum it up, fall makes me honest.

YES!

I've been sitting in this coffee shop for an hour. "Reading." I have my text, complete with highlighter and notebook open for...well...notetaking. And have yet to read a single word. I glanced through the table of contents to verify that it wouldn't be too painful. Less than 50 pages. I just can't bring myself to do it.

Instead, I decided to search for a new laptop bag online. I have a waterproof North Face bag that I LOVE. I bought it two years ago on a trip back to visit my college town. Nestled behind the DaKine and Trager bags of the little locally owned sporting goods store was this little blue gem of a bag. And it still looks nearly new. It was a pretty penny (at least, that's what I thought at the time) but has totally been worth it. So imagine my glee when I stumbled upon the same bag, only bigger and blacker. No, for reals. It's 18x15, big enough to hold my Goliath laptop (that I love still BTW) and all the crap I carry around with me. And it's black.

What more could a girl ask for...?